For the last few months I have been struggling with some very difficult things.
I am gonna go back a little ways and tell a story of my life. I hope that through this post you will see God in my life and how merciful He has been to me. I will say this though, that this is gonna be a long post and unless you have some extra time on your hands you may not want to read it just because I know it will be long.
To start, I was raised for most of my life in a Christian home. We did not always go to Church. I remember going some when I was little and I had even attended some Christian schools but it was not until I was about 8 yrs old that we started going to Church faithfully.
My Daddy was a Marine and at this time he was stationed in Okinawa, Japan and so my Mom and I lived with my aunt and uncle while he was away. When he came home we moved to Camp Lejeune, North Carolina. We lived there for about a month before we started going back to Church again. We found a small Church that we attended while we lived there. When my Dad retired and we came back to Tennessee I was 12 yrs old. For a short time my Dad had to go back to North Carolina. But he came home almost every weekend and we started attending a Church in Harriman, Tennessee. Little did I know that I would grow up in this Church, meet the love of my life and stay there until I was 24 yrs old.
A lot happened in my life though during those 12 yrs. I had made a profession of faith when I was 13 and was baptized. I now was a child who attended Church every Sunday Morning, Sunday Night and Wednesday Night. And every time in between that the Church doors were open. I had a Christian Home and a Mother and Father who wanted to do right.
As I grew up I began to see that even though I had been raised in a Christian home for several years now, that I had not truly accepted Jesus as my Savior. And so at the age of 18 I got saved. We had had VBS at our Church and my teacher taught on "To Know the Love of Christ" it was then that I realized that I was lost but I did not surrender to Him until almost 2 weeks later. I had deceived myself into believing that I was saved when I knew deep down inside that I was not, and so on August 8, 2002 God came into my heart and saved me. I was a whole new person and I had such a fire and passion to serve the Lord. I felt like I was unstoppable. But, little did I know that just a year later that all my hopes and dreams were going to be shattered. I was about to face the first valley of my life and I was just a new Christian. I was not prepared for what was coming my way.
The Christian Home that I had known fell apart right before my eyes. I learned that for all those years my Daddy was lost without the Lord. Now, before I go on I must say that I have not talked very much about these things in my life. I have never wanted pity or for anyone to feel sorry for me because I knew that I was not the only one facing a battle. I also did not talk much because I felt like I was the one who had to be strong. I told myself that I could not fall apart. But little did I know that I was not making it as well as I thought I was.
Being faced with the reality that I had a Daddy that was lost tore me apart. He did not want to be saved and he chose his own way. He is still living a life for himself and does not want God in his life. He is a good person and would do anything for anyone but that is not what is gonna get him to Heaven and he knows that. I asked him once did he not fear for his life because he was lost and knew the truth and he answered me with "I have enough time, I will get right someday" I told him that we have no promise of tomorrow and did it not bother him that he would spend forever in Hell if he died before he got right. He said "No."
Again I had a broken heart and a Daddy that is still lost. I say this not to make him look bad. I love my Dad with all my heart. I say this to beg you to pray for him. He did do wrong and chose a life for himself instead of choosing to follow God. But, I know that God can break the strongest of hearts and can turn his life around. Jesus died for him just as he did for you and me.
But at this point in my life I was so broken hearted. I had made plans for my life and wanted God's Will but when MY plans seemed to fall apart and things did not go my way. I gave up.
I still went to church and tried to live the way I was supposed to but I had so much hurt and bitterness inside that I could not live for Him the way that I should. I had blamed God for the loss in my life and in reality turned my back on Him. Not long after these things had happened I began to see how wrong I was for doing such things. I realized how I must have caused the Lord to cry a lot of tears. I begged God for forgiveness and pleaded for Him to take away this shame that I felt. I believe that He did forgive me but I could not forgive myself for what I had done. I was so afraid that even though I had asked for His forgiveness that He would still never use me again. The joy and happiness that I once had seemed to be gone, and the fire that I once had, had dwindled to not even a flame. I now had a past that I knew Satan would continue to haunt me with for the rest of my days.
I at that point thought about how much easier it would have to be if I just quit all together. I am ashamed to say that there were times that living did not seem to matter to me anymore. I just wanted the pain to go away.
But then I heard a song sung at Church one Sunday Morning that said how He is so worthy of our praise. It talks about how He took our place and our sin and shame, and it says how that we would be foolish to give up on Him after all He has done for us. As I listened to those words all I could feel was regret for how I had turned my back on Him. I was scared that He would never use me again because I blamed Him for the loss that I had in my life. Something that meant the world to me was taken away and I felt that it was all His fault because how could He love me and take away something that was my whole world. I begged God again for forgiveness. I was searching for a way out but still could not find peace. I remember feeling like I was at the end of my rope. But just when I thought all hope was lost because God had not spoken to me, He showed up, through a still small voice He spoke to my heart and gave me so much comfort.
He gave me a Bible verse- Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart; wait, I say, on the Lord. Psalm 27:14 I wrote that verse in the front of my old Bible and I would go back and read it from time to time when I needed to be reminded of Him and the comfort that He had given me. I seemed to be doing at little better and it seemed that the wounds were beginning to heal. I married a wonderful man! One that I grew up with and had never dreamed I would marry but God had other plans! We got married on April 16, 2005. I had begun to look at life again through new eyes! "He is a preacher and a Godly man and I knew that we would have a Christian Home. We knew that we wanted to live for the Lord and give Him our new home and our lives to be used for Him.
It was not long after we got married that I faced another valley. But this one we faced together. I had gotten pregnant and had a miscarriage. I did not know how to feel. I was devastated. We had a baby in Heaven and broken hearts.
I began to search for God through this valley but could not seem to find him anywhere. Once again it seemed that He had forgotten me and all hope was lost. I remember I was at home one day and feeling very low. I remember opening my Bible and I did not know where to turn all I knew was I needed something from Him. When I opened my Bible I saw that same verse again. Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say on the Lord. Psalm 27:14. Tears flooded my eyes as I read that verse.
But once again I still had a past that Satan revealed to me. It was as if He said "Yeah so what you found that verse again, but you know He will still never use you cause you turned your back on Him" I felt defeated and crushed and once again begged God for forgiveness.
Jonathan and I had made the decision when we first got married that if God wanted us to have children right away that, that was fine with us or if He wanted us to wait that we would do whatever He wanted. But now I had a baby in Heaven and my heart had such a longing to hold that little child. I was just 21 yrs old when that happened and had only been married for a few months. Jonathan and I both decided then that after that we wanted to have children as soon as we could.
That was a little over 4 years ago. I know that does not seem all that long and I know of couples that have waited MUCH longer. We began to pray though and ask God to give us children.
I did not know though for a while that I had some problems that were gonna make things tough for us to have kids. We saw a doctor and after 2 years of test and waiting they finally told me that I had PCOS (aka) Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. They told us that it is something that many women have and that not to worry many women had still had kids. But that we needed to see a specialist because they did not know what else to do to help us and they said that our only option maybe en vitro. We began to pray for God's direction and help in what to do now and we made the decision after much prayer that we would wait a couple years and if in a couple years we still did not have kids that we would see a specialist. During those two years we waited and prayed and begged God to give us the desire of our heart.
I had talked to a friend of mine one day and she told me about this doctor that she had found and how they had tried for a long time to have another baby but had not been able. So I now had a new hope that maybe this doctor could help us and so we decided to see this doctor. He was not a specialist in PCOS but we had hoped that maybe he could help us in some way that the other doctor had not been able too. We only saw him for a little while when we finally made the decision that this was not the direction we wanted to take and that we would just continue to wait for the rest of those two years and if nothing had still happened that we would see a specialist.
During this time we joined a new Church and found a new family in the Lord in our new Church. This was just a year ago! We began to talk some to the Pastor and his wife because we knew that they too had some of the same struggles to have children. They had waited for 14 yrs before the Lord blessed them with a baby girl. We have waited for just a little over 4 yrs now and I long to be a Mommy so much that I can't imagine the struggle of waiting for 14 yrs. This is a quote from a movie but it is so true in my life. "How can I miss someone so much that I have never met?" For I long to hold a child that I can call my own and give back to the Lord, I long to hear "Mommy, I Love You" when I tuck them in at night, I long to rock that child in my arms and sing to them "Jesus Loves Me" I long to hear laughter and giggles when they run through the house playing, I long to teach them about Jesus and how much He loves them.
We started seeing a new doctor a few months ago who is a specialist. It is the doctor that helped our Pastor and his wife to have their little girl.
The first time that we went to see him, he told us that he was not sure if we had had a miscarriage or not. He said that it could have been a cyst that had ruptured. He had not seen the records from the doctor that had said that so he had nothing to say whether we did or did not. I have nothing either that proves that I did or did not. I just know how sick I was and how I felt. I believe with all my heart that we have a child in Heaven, even though I have no proof here on earth to tell me that I do.
Hearing these words from him though brought back all the tears I have cried because I want so much to be a Mom. I began to beg God again to give me the desires of my heart. But once again, Satan brought up my past and told me again that God would not use me because of what I had done. He told me "What makes you think that God will give you the desires of your heart when you broke His. Again, all I felt was shame.
Last year I got a new Bible and I wrote that same verse in the front of it. As I now was facing another valley and looking for God's Will, I went to my Bible looking for strength and would you guess what I found, that same old verse. Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord. Psalm 27:14. Tears flooded my eyes once again and I had found some peace in my heart.
For the past few months I have still been battling though with Satan and my past and feeling like God would not use me. I have made the decision now that I want to live for God no matter what happens in my life. Whether He chooses to give us the Children we want or if He says "no." I want so much to be used of God and that our Home will be used for Him.
But something I have just recently learned is that while we are waiting for God to show us His Will, whatever it may be, He does not want us to sit still and just wait. He wants us to be working for Him while we wait. And He has also shown me that while I am waiting for His Will and my dreams to come true that I have to be happy where He has placed me. And for now that means taking care of my home and my husband and being the best Christian that I can be for Him.
Since we started seeing this new doctor and God has been working all these things in me I have had so much in my heart and I have wanted to write it out somehow and so I wrote the words above that are on the picture.
This past Sunday when I went to Church, my Pastor preached a message on giving your whole heart to the Lord. He has actually been preaching a series on these messages and I have been praying and seeking the Lord's Will for what He has for my life as I have listened to those messages. I have still been struggling with not knowing if God would use me. I realized Sunday that if He is gonna use me I have to forgive myself and move on or my life will always be a battle with Satan and how I did wrong. I have finally seen that He has forgiven me for the wrong I did and that it is under the blood and I have been set free in Him. I now know that He is not through with me, and that my life is still useable for Him. I thank the Lord and praise His name for giving me victory over the hurt that I have felt for so long. I know that I still have battles to face and there will be victories to win. But as I face each day I know that I have God right beside me and that I can face anything with Him! I also know that Jonathan loves me and is there for me as I face these trying times. I know that he is facing them too and I want to be there for him as he is here for me.
I wanted to share this with you that you could see God's Goodness in my life. I hope that somehow it will share my new passion and desire that I have to serve Him. He has been so good to me and I have been so blessed! I give Him all the glory for He truly is Worthy!
