Today when I woke up I was faced with what seemed to be just a normal day and I began the usual tasks of the morning, which usually consist of getting Jonathan's lunch and clothes together for the day and then seeing him off to work with a hug and a kiss and my wish for his day to go well!
As the morning continued I was doing my usual chores and it seemed like all of a sudden the Devil started working hard and well at making me discouraged, but while it seemed like I was fighting with him, God began to work in my heart and I began praying and asking for His help and comfort. Sounds all spiritual right? Well, I can promise you that I am not at all what I should be but I knew that through His Word I would find strength for the day at hand. As I opened the cover of my Bible I read this verse. My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion forever. Psalm 73:26 as I read this verse it seemed like God spoke so softly and said "Let me be your strength, I can, if you will let me." I said ok through tears and a broken heart, but still...in my attempts to find peace and guidance I did a search on Waiting on God.
I found this poem and a video(the link to the video is at the very bottom of the page under the poem) and it touched my heart so much because it seemed to fit perfectly for the day and the battle that we have been fighting, it is our desire to have a child of our own, and it is a journey that we are walking with the Lord. We are waiting and trusting in His timing for this precious gift.
I know that there are MANY other couples out there that have faced infertility and I even know a few who are now. Some have gained victory and some continue to wait... it keeps me reminded that we are not the only ones facing this battle, but at the same time this waiting process is really unlike anything I have ever experienced in my life, and until the day it is resolved the longing and desire will stay. Sometimes I find myself almost pretending or wishing it away just to find some relief but deep down inside it remains.
The dream to have a sweet little one fill my arms is a desire that is buried deep inside me. It is a longing that I cannot hide. Ever since I was just a little girl I knew when I grew up that I wanted to be a Wife and a Mommy. The same dream remains now that I am grown, I want nothing more than to serve God and have a home that is for HIS glory! To be a great wife for the wonderful husband that God has given me, and I have so much of a longing to hold a child of our own.
I have spent days on my face begging God for His grace, I have fought sleepless nights searching for His wisdom and comfort but still...we wait...I have questioned many times "God, do you still care? have you forgotten us?" I do know deep down inside that He DOES care, but I will admit that sometimes I get so tired of fighting this grueling pain that does not go away, I have cried bitter tears and begged God "Why?" but His answer is still seems to be the same~ just wait.
We will have been married for 5 years on April 16, 2010. We have been trying almost the entire time we have been married to have a baby, and yes, I know that does not seem like that long. But during this time of waiting we have cried what seems like a million tears, held each other close and prayed for God's wisdom and guidance, but through His mercy and grace we have also grown closer to Him and closer together, we have laughed a lot, and God has been so good and gracious to us. We have many special moments that will be with us forever, and I know that each day we make new memories that will continue to last a lifetime that we will spend together.
It is still the desire of our hearts to have a home that is for His glory and children to that we can teach and raise for Him.
Please pray for us that we will continue to grow in our faith as we walk this journey.
The poem I found~
by Russell Kelfer
Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."
"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.
"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.
"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."
Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"
He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.
"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.
"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.
"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.
"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.
"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.
"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."